How To: Get Over Your Sheriff Joe Odio

They call him “America’s Toughest Sheriff,” and there’s no denying his toughness has drawn quite the group of detractors. Yes, this is the guy who erected tents for inmates to live in, an area sometimes called the “Alcatraz of Arizona.” This is the man who turned the prisoners’ underwear, socks, sheets and even handcuffs pink. But what do you do when your hatred – or odio – for Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio becomes too much? Let’s hope the following suggestions get you through the next four years of his reign.

1. Pray for him

Praying for your biggest enemy every night for two weeks is supposedly a surefire way to cure hatred. In this case, you may want to plan on three weeks.
Suggested prayer: “Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was before Arpaio was sheriff may it be now and forever, world without end. Amen.”

2. Find another crazy sheriff to despise

Consider John Maspero, former sheriff of Williamson County, Texas, near Austin. In 2003, the county’s attorney brought a civil suit against Maspero seeking to remove him from office. The trouble, according to The Austin Chronicle, had begun when police received reports of a seemingly drunk man staggering down the road and urinating in bushes; the man was none other than Sheriff Maspero. While he wasn’t charged with any crimes, the incident did set off an interesting investigation into Maspero’s past.

The civil suit, which was a result of the investigation, claimed Maspero had been publicly drunk 12 times during his run as sheriff. Additionally, it accused Maspero of sexually harassing two female sheriff’s deputies and threatening the chief deputy sheriff with termination if he didn’t defend him to the media. To top it all off, the suit accused Maspero of biting a stripper on the thigh while pretending to be a dog at a local men’s club. Needless to say, Maspero resigned before the trial could begin, and the case was dropped.

3. Visit some anti-Joe Web sites

Widely advertised during the months leading up to the 2008 election, joesgottogo.com is a detailed site with blogs, video, news and more. Other online gathering places for Arpaio dissenters include arpaio.com. Facebook.com is home to groups like “ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND AGAINST SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO,” “Joe Arpaio is a horrible, horrible human being” and “Joe Arpaio for EX Sheriff.” Or try another approach and infiltrate one of Facebook’s many pro-Arpaio groups.

4. Write Dan Saban a love letter

He may have lost the ’08 sheriff election, but you can still support Dan Saban by e-mailing him at sabanforsheriff.com. Maybe you can even convince the former Buckeye Police chief, a democrat, to run again. Be sure to mention his broad shoulders and luscious ‘stache.

5. Join the protestors

Every weekday protestors gather downtown to protest Sheriff Joe’s policies and try to convince Wells Fargo to stop renting him space in its building. Since September, the protesters have been chanting and holding signs in front of Arpaio’s office, at 100 W. Washington St., from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Join them for some quality venting.

6. Move to Canada

Maybe you won’t completely forget Sheriff Joe, but at least you’ll be a couple thousand miles away. Plus, when you get frustrated, you can always declare, “That keener Arpaio sure is a causing a big kerfuffle down in the States, eh?” Don’t you feel better already?

ABOUT SHERIFF JOE APRAIO

1932 Born on June 14 in Springfield, Massachusetts
1950-1953 Served in U.S. Army; placed in Medical Detachment Division for typing skills

1957 Named “Most Assaulted Officer” in the Washington, D.C. Police Department

1957 Spent 6 months as Las Vegas police officer; stopped Elvis Presley for suspected traffic violation

1957-1992 Worked for U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency; stations included Beirut, Mexico City and Buenos Aires

1992 Elected Maricopa County sheriff; currently serving fifth term
2008 Became star of Fox Reality Channel show “Smile…You’re Under Arrest!”

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